Friday, August 23, 2013

First ever OOTD post!

It's Friday, woohoo, and It's not even 9 am yet, still a long day to go. :( I am feeling more and more confidant each day. I am not tracking my weight watcher points but I am not stuffing my face either. I am curious to see what happens tomorrow for weigh in. I had made a goal a few months ago that the next 10 lbs I lost I'd have one of my jacket blazers altered and I have yet to hit that 259 mark. That is depressing BUT I told myself last week that if I lost any weight this week I'd take that damn jacket in and go on with it. I miss wearing it and hell I should be happy I'm needing to have it altered at all. It's extremely wayyyy too huge. Like two sizes too huge, Yay for me!

I felt very confident and sexy in the outfit below and knew I wanted to post it online! I wore this Wednesday and I felt great. I got several compliments on how great I looked so here is my first ever Outfit Of The Day post:

I made my mom snap this picture as I was picking my son up at her house after work and the wind was blustery so I look a tad silly in the first photo but I still think I look great. "Very Fashionable" as one gal said! The top is my first ever thrifted piece, the skirt and flats are Lane Bryant and the necklace was a gift from an agent at work but she purchased it from Cookie Lee two Christmases' ago. I must say, I heart the pencil skirts. Whoda thunk? The last photo I posted was me in the pencil skirt at the work function. I love them.

I've been getting bolder while around my husband as far as being naked and weirded out with him looking at me. I know, how silly does it sound that I don't want him to look at me naked. I can't help it. I never thought being fat was something great I'm not saying it is but being comfortable in your skin IS, regardless of size) so I never thought anyone else would find me attractive but I'm slowly learning that there are folks out there that find the curvy girl MORE attractive and MORE beautiful than those ideals that have been forced on me for my entire life (fat is ugly. fat is repulsive. fat is gross. no one wants a fat woman. skinny skinny skinny!). I'm starting small, not wearing pj pants, just undies at night! :) I know, shocking!!!!

Anywhoo, that's all I've got for now. Thanks anyone who may be following! :D

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Working Title

Lost 1.9 lbs this week still putting me at 2 lbs above my lowest weight yet. Still on the track to doing what I want to do. I bought two pencil skirts a few months ago and have worn them off and on. I must admit I'm not (I don't think) I'm as fat as I think I look in it! I had to go to a work party last week and I was snapped in photos a few times and amazingly enough I didn't want to barf when I saw the photos. :) I'm noticing more and more that when I see myself I'm not as terribly fat as I feel, fat as I used to be.

I also notice that I am on a journey of life changes and not a diet. I've been saying that for years but I'm really starting to see it now. I see that when people ask me what I want to drink I have a split second that a Coke sounds great but I automatically say water. Something as little as ordering a lettuce wrapped  sandwich as opposed to a bread wrapped one may sound silly to some folks but to me it's a pretty big deal and it's great that I am able to see it and know that I want to continue to work towards things like that.

Whelp, that's my riff for the week. Here's a photo of myself in one of the pencil skirts. I know I'm making a dumb face but that's not the point! :)

Though now that I'm looking at it and me standing next to my co-worker and I'm literally double her size is kind of disheartening but just goes to show I have work to go and will continue to work on it. 

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Yea, Yea, still here!

Well, Still here, still struggling in the lower 260's. UGH! It's a downer, seriously. Though, I've recently stumbled upon Fat Acceptance. What IS fat acceptance you wonder? It's a "movement" where folks are happy with their size and do what they want and refuse to be shamed because of their size. They are happy. HAPPY! It has literally never occurred to me that I can be happy, regardless of my current size! I am in the middle on the fat acceptance. Part of me thinks "wow, how totally awesome for these people. They are living their lives without caring what other people are thinking about them and they seem to be happy, good for them. I'd never be able to wear that but woo for her/him! Why can't I just be happy to be alive? To have a beautiful son? To have a husband who loves me and married me at a much bigger size than I am now?" The other part of me is thinking "Keep on your goal! You CAN loose the weight and be a "normal" size then you won't be so self conscious about yourself all the time". I just don't know. I know the old saying goes "No one is ever 100% happy with their body". Is it true? I think it is. The super model who gets paid BILLIONS of dollars probably hates the mole she has on her back and nit picks at all the photos she sees of herself, or hates her nose (even though she IS paid billions of dollars just to look pretty), the men folks, whilst they mostly seem to not care, catch them selfs staring in the mirror at what they think is hideous staring back at them... is anyone ever 100% happy with them selves? I really don't think humans are. There will always be SOMETHING to hate. Why not just say "Fuck it" and live for what matters?

I am trying to focus on how to just take better care of myself, and that is really what this journey started out being. I am not going to say "Yay, fat acceptance eat whatever I want because I'm happy" I'm not accepting my fat but I'm going to learn to live with it while I'm transitioning. I DO want to lose weight for my long term health and fun with my son, I DO want to lose weight so maybe I won't rush to get undressed/dressed so my husband won't see me naked, I DO want to lose weight because I want to sit on a chair/hammock/bench/ANYTHING and not shy away because I think it won't hold up to my weight, I DO want to lose weight because I want to go parasailing with my husband at some point and Zip line through a far away forest but most of all I DO want to get to a healthy weight to be able to say I did it, on my own with support from friends and family and now I am comfortable with my weight.

What I want to focus on is being me. Living life. Stop worrying over every darn little calorie or WW point that goes into my mouth. Will I be able to achieve this? Meh, we'll see. I want to focus on living more and not holding myself down because I'm fat.

BTW, I do find the Fat Acceptance blogs more entertaining to read. Everyone loves cats, vintage/kitschy things and seems to be way into "Fatshion". I love it. They are more positive than the losing weight ones. They talk about LIFE and not weight. Though this dumb little blog of my is my journey through the weight losing life and IS about weight loss I'd like to transition more into life goings on. Though no one reads this I feel it's more of a diary space for me so I'll be doing what I want and posting what I want :D  There seem to be a lot of Capital words above. Hah. Here is a photo of a dress (I call it a shirt dress, what is it really? A tunic?) I bought Years ago and was never really comfortable wearing it. Too short and puffed out in the middle with no shape to it. A few months ago, after my initial large weight loss I wore it. I paired it with leggings and got smart and put a belt on. I lovvvve this thing. I used to always wear it to work with a cardigan because A. I loathe my arms and their extreme flabbyness and 2. because I thought the "sleeves" were inappropriate for work but after seeing my co-worker wear similar, smaller sleeves I said screw it, it's way too damn hot in the desert sun to wear a cardigan today, and I didn't. This tunic/dress/long shirt embowered me and I felt beautiful. It's hard to see since I took the photo in a dumb bathroom and I did a black belt but it's adorable! :)

Until another day... Whipple, signing of.