Sunday, August 11, 2013

Yea, Yea, still here!

Well, Still here, still struggling in the lower 260's. UGH! It's a downer, seriously. Though, I've recently stumbled upon Fat Acceptance. What IS fat acceptance you wonder? It's a "movement" where folks are happy with their size and do what they want and refuse to be shamed because of their size. They are happy. HAPPY! It has literally never occurred to me that I can be happy, regardless of my current size! I am in the middle on the fat acceptance. Part of me thinks "wow, how totally awesome for these people. They are living their lives without caring what other people are thinking about them and they seem to be happy, good for them. I'd never be able to wear that but woo for her/him! Why can't I just be happy to be alive? To have a beautiful son? To have a husband who loves me and married me at a much bigger size than I am now?" The other part of me is thinking "Keep on your goal! You CAN loose the weight and be a "normal" size then you won't be so self conscious about yourself all the time". I just don't know. I know the old saying goes "No one is ever 100% happy with their body". Is it true? I think it is. The super model who gets paid BILLIONS of dollars probably hates the mole she has on her back and nit picks at all the photos she sees of herself, or hates her nose (even though she IS paid billions of dollars just to look pretty), the men folks, whilst they mostly seem to not care, catch them selfs staring in the mirror at what they think is hideous staring back at them... is anyone ever 100% happy with them selves? I really don't think humans are. There will always be SOMETHING to hate. Why not just say "Fuck it" and live for what matters?

I am trying to focus on how to just take better care of myself, and that is really what this journey started out being. I am not going to say "Yay, fat acceptance eat whatever I want because I'm happy" I'm not accepting my fat but I'm going to learn to live with it while I'm transitioning. I DO want to lose weight for my long term health and fun with my son, I DO want to lose weight so maybe I won't rush to get undressed/dressed so my husband won't see me naked, I DO want to lose weight because I want to sit on a chair/hammock/bench/ANYTHING and not shy away because I think it won't hold up to my weight, I DO want to lose weight because I want to go parasailing with my husband at some point and Zip line through a far away forest but most of all I DO want to get to a healthy weight to be able to say I did it, on my own with support from friends and family and now I am comfortable with my weight.

What I want to focus on is being me. Living life. Stop worrying over every darn little calorie or WW point that goes into my mouth. Will I be able to achieve this? Meh, we'll see. I want to focus on living more and not holding myself down because I'm fat.

BTW, I do find the Fat Acceptance blogs more entertaining to read. Everyone loves cats, vintage/kitschy things and seems to be way into "Fatshion". I love it. They are more positive than the losing weight ones. They talk about LIFE and not weight. Though this dumb little blog of my is my journey through the weight losing life and IS about weight loss I'd like to transition more into life goings on. Though no one reads this I feel it's more of a diary space for me so I'll be doing what I want and posting what I want :D  There seem to be a lot of Capital words above. Hah. Here is a photo of a dress (I call it a shirt dress, what is it really? A tunic?) I bought Years ago and was never really comfortable wearing it. Too short and puffed out in the middle with no shape to it. A few months ago, after my initial large weight loss I wore it. I paired it with leggings and got smart and put a belt on. I lovvvve this thing. I used to always wear it to work with a cardigan because A. I loathe my arms and their extreme flabbyness and 2. because I thought the "sleeves" were inappropriate for work but after seeing my co-worker wear similar, smaller sleeves I said screw it, it's way too damn hot in the desert sun to wear a cardigan today, and I didn't. This tunic/dress/long shirt embowered me and I felt beautiful. It's hard to see since I took the photo in a dumb bathroom and I did a black belt but it's adorable! :)

Until another day... Whipple, signing of.

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